Alcohol users' troobleshooting guide

Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste. Shirt front is wet. Mouth is closed while drinking OR glass being applied to wrong part of face. Buy another pint and practice in front of mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Drinking gives no satisfaction and taste. Glass is unusually pale and clear. Glass is empty. Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Feet wet and cold Glass is empty. Turn glass the other way up, so that the open end is pointing at the ceiling.
Feet warm and wet Incorrect bladder control. Go and stand next to nearest dog, after a while, complain to dog's owner about the lack of house training. Demand a pint as compensation.
Bar blurred You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass. Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Bar Swaying Air turbulence is unusually high. May be due to darts match. Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Bar Moving You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another pub, if you're not,complain loudly that you're being hijacked by the salvation army.
You notice the wall oposite is covered with ceiling tiles and strip lights. You have fallen over backwards. If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm then stay put.
Everything has gone dim, and you have a mouthful of broken teeth and dog ends. You have fallen over forwards. As for falling backwards.
Everthing has gone dark. The bar is closing PANIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You wake up to find your bed cold hard and wet. You can't see your bedroom walls or ceiling. You have spent the night in the gutter Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not then treat yourself to a lie-in.