| SYMPTOM | FAULT | ACTION TO BE TAKEN |
|---|---|---|
| Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste. Shirt front is wet. | Mouth is closed while drinking OR glass being applied to wrong part of face. | Buy another pint and practice in front of mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. |
| Drinking gives no satisfaction and taste. Glass is unusually pale and clear. | Glass is empty. | Find someone who will buy you another pint. |
| Feet wet and cold | Glass is empty. | Turn glass the other way up, so that the open end is pointing at the ceiling. |
| Feet warm and wet | Incorrect bladder control. | Go and stand next to nearest dog, after a while, complain to dog's owner about the lack of house training. Demand a pint as compensation. |
| Bar blurred | You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass. | Find someone who will buy you another pint. |
| Bar Swaying | Air turbulence is unusually high. May be due to darts match. | Insert broom handle down back of jacket. |
| Bar Moving | You are being carried out. | Find out if you are being taken to another pub, if you're not,complain loudly that you're being hijacked by the salvation army. |
| You notice the wall oposite is covered with ceiling tiles and strip lights. | You have fallen over backwards. | If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm then stay put. |
| Everything has gone dim, and you have a mouthful of broken teeth and dog ends. | You have fallen over forwards. | As for falling backwards. |
| Everthing has gone dark. | The bar is closing | PANIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
| You wake up to find your bed cold hard and wet. You can't see your bedroom walls or ceiling. | You have spent the night in the gutter | Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not then treat yourself to a lie-in. |